Our Miracle Baby

I'm pregnant! After half a decade of trying, crying, infertility treatments, and 3 miscarriages we are beyond happy to announce that we are expecting a beautiful baby GIRL! She's due to join our family on October 3, 2013. Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support as we have traveled through this harrowing journey. Here's to our tiny RAY of sunshine!

I've kept our "harrowing journey" pretty private up until now.  I'd like to write about our trial and hope to find some closure to this painful experience.

I never once had any thought in my mind that I could one day struggle with infertility.  When I was a child I played with barbies and dolls- and not just one, but sets of twins and triplets. I fed them fake bottles and even lifted up my shirt to nurse a time or 2. I would carry them on my hips around the neighborhood hoping to fool someone into thinking I was a real Mom. When I was a teenager I was a world renowned babysitter and would rather spend every day after school and every Friday night with my tiny humans than out with friends my own age or hormone ridden boys. When I left for college I rejoiced when I'd hear a crying baby and playing peek a boo with a toddler was the highlight of my day. My life was about children. I wanted to be a mother.

When I was in first grade we had a playground supervisor who was pregnant and I followed her around at recess and touched her belly. My desire to feel her baby kick enormously outweighed my want to play on the swings. I was fascinated with all things pregnancy and baby. I remember losing a tooth while holding my cousin's brand new "less than a week old" baby- thinking not only was I SO COOL that I just lost a tooth but that I'm holding this tiny infant. What a treasure.

I specifically remember the moment I recognized the prompting to start a family. I was in the bathtub on the evening of my 22nd birthday. It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I needed to have a baby.  It was time. This was it! We had been married for 3 years, I was a year away from finishing school, we owned our home, and life was perfect. Except for one thing- we needed a baby. I told Tanner and together we decided it was the right time. I stopped birth control and waited the "doctor recommended"  3 months before trying to conceive.  When the 3 months was over and the time finally came (you know- the time of the month) I looked at the calendar and circled days 13,14, and 15 of my cycle knowing these were the prime days for most women to ovulate. We happened to be visiting Tanner's family that weekend and I joked with my Mother in Law, "If the bedroom door is shut, don't open it! I'm trying to make you a grandchild!" I knew she would  be as excited as I was to be having a baby. It would be her first grandchild! Well, guess what? It worked. We got pregnant. How could I not? After all, apparently I WAS "Fertile Myrtle". I had these great birthing hips and the most regular cycle of all time. I never even gave it a second thought.

The day after Parker was born I was ready for more children. Giving birth to him, holding him, bringing him home- I was fulfilled and blissful more than I ever thought possible. Clearly we needed to wait a while before trying for baby #2 but everything I did was focused on growing our family. I even ran on the treadmill to the mantra, "Parker wants a little sister. Parker wants a little sister." We lived with my parents which was a huge blessing but Tanner felt that we needed to be on our own 2 feet before adding any more family members.   So, one night we went to dinner and discussed our future plans. I wanted a baby. Tanner wanted to move out and finish college. We decided that the best course of action would be for Tanner to apply to BYU with the hopes of getting into the Provo campus. In order for him to finish school quickly it was requisite that I go to work. So the plan was set in place and we worked very hard to accomplish these goals. Tanner was accepted to all 3 BYUs! I very diligently sought out ultrasound tech jobs in Provo and was miraculously asked to interview the morning after we moved to Utah! I got the job and it was the best job in the world.

(I want to add that many months before this Tanner and I were attending a sealing of a good friend in the Rexburg, ID temple. While we were there I confided in Tanner that I felt a desperate desire to have more children. He very sensitively told me that it just wasn't possible without me getting a job and us securing a more promising future. Miraculously  the moment we left the temple and returned to the car I had a message on my phone for a job interview. I didn't get the job but looking back I know that Heavenly Father was and is VERY aware of me and the righteous desires of my heart. He let me know that if we were faithful we would be blessed- I just had to be patient with His timing- which proved extremely difficult for me)

We moved to Utah in November of 2009 but that July when Parker turned 2 I let Tanner know that, no matter what, we needed to start trying for a sibling for Parker. It was "time" whether we were ready or not. I remember crying hysterically one night in July to Andrea on the phone because I was bleeding 10 days before my cycle was due to begin. She very calmly reassured me that it was probably implantation bleeding and that I was most likely pregnant! Why wouldn't I be? We "tried" that month and it only took one try to conceive Parker. I fell asleep peacefully that night dreaming of baby names. But, I soon realized that I was definitely not pregnant. My cycle had truly started too early. I was devastated. And that was only month 1 of 42 months of trying.

So, when we finally were settled in Utah- I scanned my little heart out at work and Tanner started classes at BYU, I knew it was time to see a doctor. I started off at the regular OBGYN and fervently let them know that I was an ultrasound tech. I'd scanned my own anatomy a million times,  I have a perfect cycle (for the most part) I've had NO problems, and have one healthy little boy who was a snap to conceive. All I needed was something to boost my odds- CLOMID. Oh, clomid. I have never actually sat down to count how many months I was on clomid but I can easily predict it was over 15. I wasn't as sensitive to the drug as Andrea was, some months I only developed one follicle (which is normal without the use of drugs) but sometimes I had 3 or 4. Still, no baby. The OBGYN office was rude. They made me cry. They didn't accept my insurance but didn't bother to tell me that until AFTER I'd racked up a mighty huge bill. They herded me through the office like a cow and I did NOT appreciate that at all. I had blood work done, a hysterosalpingogram to look at my Fallopian tubes, I even did acupuncture.  I took every vitamin under the sun, not to mention the heavy duty in vitro drugs that Andrea trafficked to me. (Thanks Ange) I'm sure you'd rather not hear about the more intimate details but rest assured, we tried it ALL.

Tanner and my relationship started to suffer. Our wants and needs were not in sync.  I was a mess. I cried. I was angry and scared. I lost my patience too easily. I was bitter at every pregnant girl who crossed my path. The clomid didn't help any... So, Tanner and I decided to see a family counselor. The service was free through my work. It was hard to find a time that worked with both of our schedules- that was an issue all on it's own. (Timing, while trying to get pregnant, is everything but you can't be that flexible when you're a full time devoted student like Tanner). As we awkwardly walked into the office the song "Celebrate Good Times" was playing on the static-y radio. We sat on the stiff couch and waiting in silence for our names to be called. We weren't really feeling like it was a time to "Celebrate".

The counselor was great. I highly recommend seeing one. I told Tanner, "Married couples shouldn't see a counselor when they know or think the marriage is broken, they should go when they need help or answers." That's exactly what we needed. An outsider's perspective on our unique situation and advice on how to best handle this time in our lives. She told me I "worried too much" which was and is probably true. She said that it's OK for Tanner to be gone the majority of the time for school because he's not going just for him, he's going for the whole family and our success rides on his accomplishments. Which was true. It was good to here this message  being justified to us. She also empathized with our infertility and told us to take a vacation.

So we did! We went to Seattle, San Francisco  Chicago, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Moab, Zion, and of course Idaho and California. Ya, I think we got the vacation thing down. I know I was running from the heart ache. "They" say that a vacation will relax you and POOF you'll get pregnant. Um, no. That's not what happens. 

By 2011 I was fed up. I needed more help. I needed Tanner to meet me half way. I needed some serious solutions. So, Tanner made us an appointment with a fertility specialist, Dr. Andrew. After a month on clomid without conceiving, duh, the next month we tried artificial insemination. And guess what? It worked! I got pregnant! I couldn't believe it! I'd taken SO many pregnancy test (like, thousands. I should have bought stock in them) that to actually see that faint little line was amazing! I was shaking and speechless! I rushed to Tanner and we ran into the backyard to use the light of the sun to reveal more vividly "the line"! I obsessively (or, more obsessively than usual) scanned myself until I saw the first little inklings of a gestational sac. Oh man, what a glorious day! A few days later I saw a fetal pole, and after then a tiny heart beat! What a blessing! What a miracle  It worked! And it was so easy! Over the 4th of July at our family reunion we announced to all the extended family and I was able to scan my sister, Josi, and show her the sweet baby growing inside her and then show her my tiny bean. 

By the end of the week, time stood still.

I waited until after work, most everyone was gone for the day and I relished the time I could finally sit down and scan my precious baby. But, I couldn't find the heart beat. What seemed like 2 minutes was over an hour of my frantically searching for that tiny sign of life. Nothing. There was nothing. Was this a nightmare? I picked up Parker and raced home. Tanner was taking a test and had his phone off. I called my mom sobbing. I waited until I knew the testing center was closed and Tanner would HAVE to be done with his test and turn his phone back on. I called him over and over until finally he answered. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"What happened???"

But, I couldn't talk. I couldn't even breath. He stayed on the phone with me not saying a word while he raced home. He ran to me and just held me and I cried and cried. 

"I'm so sorry. There's no heart beat."

He went with me to my office later that night and I scanned myself again. Maybe I was wrong. No, there was no heart beat.

We saw the doctor first thing Monday morning and it was confirmed- we lost the baby. Our miracle.  The baby we had worked so hard for. Gone. Then we had to tell everyone that sad news.

I scheduled a D&C for the next day. Tanner had conflicts with school. A surgery on his wife was just not convenient with his hectic day. He suggested that maybe he could run to the library "real quick" while I was in surgery. I told him, "I'm going to be intubated. I have a dead baby in me. You need to stay." It was too soon to have my mom or Tanner's come down to be with me. He was all I had. I guess when you're a pretty strong, independent woman it's hard sometimes for your husband to really come to terms with the fact that you're just a girl who needs her man. Tanner stepped up in a big way, though. He took such great care of me and I'm so honored to be his wife. Sometimes, as women struggling through infertility, we forget that the men are struggling too. They have their own ways of dealing with grief and pain. Through that experience we grew much closer and really gained an appreciate for the fragility of life.

I went back to work the next day and told myself, "If it worked once it will work again." As soon as the doctor gave us the green light we did IUI again. And again we saw that faint pink line. We were pregnant again. But a few short days later I miscarried. A chemical pregnancy. Devastation washed over us again. What is wrong?? Why is this happening to us?

So, we waited a month in between. We went to Hawaii and "relaxed" when we came back we tried IUI again. This time with more drugs. Again, we conceived. Again a miscarriage  In December we had no money. It was the holidays. The end of a semester and the subsequent student loans. We needed to register our cars and I needed to renew my ARDMS license. But we had to try again. With everything in our lives: physically, mentally, financially,  and spiritually drained we did IUI one last time. With even more drugs. I had to travel to San Diego for a conference and was flying but I had needles and syringes I needed to bring with me for all the medication I was unnecessarily taking. We thought the needles would prove to be an issue at the airport and I toyed with the idea of not going- I was not going to risk not be able to take this medication if this was the time we were destined to conceive a healthy baby. But, in the end we did not conceive.  Nothing happened. All the drugs, intervention, money, tears... all of it was in vain. We officially hit rock bottom.

I had gained about 20 pounds over the course of that year. I needed my body back. I needed romance with my husband back! "Love making" in the public bathroom at the doctors office and then being fertilized with not only your husband but a doctor and nurse present is not what you'd call intimate. My body ached from all the injections. Our bank account hurt even more. We needed a break. And we got one whether we wanted it or not. Tanner applied and was accepted to PA school at Lock Haven University in Pennsylvania.   Not only is graduate school not the BEST time to have a baby, let alone a second child, but Tanner was leaving the day before Mother's day in a rush to get us moved across the country while I stayed behind to work a couple more weeks, ease us into this new stage financially,  and then go to California to spend some time with my family before my Mom and I would make the trek across the country together. Physically,  Tanner and I were simply not together. 

Parker and I joined Tanner mid July 2012 and quickly settled into our new life in Pennsylvania. We traveled up and down the East Coast and were so grateful to be together as a family again. Tanner has completely excelled in school and Parker started kindergarten as well! I am able to stay home for 7 full hours each day with absolutely nothing to do. "Relax" they said, "You just need to relax." Well, I'm relaxed alright. Before I left Utah I got some free birth control samples from the gals across the way from my office. I figured, "I've tried everything-  maybe birth control will somehow 'reset' my hormones." I knew I wasn't going to be close to Tanner anyway so any hopes of getting pregnant were purely biblical in nature. I noticed a HUGE change after being on birth control. I'm very glad I was on it even if it was just for a few months. By the end of 2012 I'd lost OVER 20 pounds and was just 2 pounds shy of being at my wedding weight, which, let's be clear, was when I was 19 years old. We still had not conceived on our own and so we made a plan. We would see Dr. Andrew again when we were home for Tanner's "winter" break from school in January 2013.

It is monumental to point out that I could not have done ANY of this without the unending support from Andrea. We both suffer from infertility and it has created a bond between us that will never be broken. She has heard more about my boobs, bowel movements, and break downs than any human on Earth. She is a true friend and a priceless gem in my life. When Tanner was unable to "hear" my many complaints or even understand the complex desires of a woman's heart, Andrea was there. Always. Andrea attempted to get pregnant via in vitro 6 times. Her story is an intricate novel all on it's own, but with truly one last attempt she conceived.  I KNEW that Heavenly Father would bless us both. Before either of us conceived I had a dream where a beautiful blond angel held 2 tiny infants in her arms and with an ethereal smile on her face let those babies go into the wind. Those were our babies. I have no doubt. Andrea got pregnant with twins but sadly lost one. She has had a very difficultly pregnancy. Like I said, we need to write a book. But, we are both healthy and happily pregnant with baby girls.

Back to the story. I contacted Dr. Andrew and was able to get 2 infertility drugs to help stimulate my follicles. That's all we could afford and quite frankly, all I was willing to take. I knew my body could do this on it's own. I just needed a boost. We traveled to Utah a few days before I ovulated and were able to spend some quality time with Tanner's family in the temple before Kassidy left on her mission to Spain. Ironically,  we took professional family pictures. The last time we did that was the weekend I got pregnant with Parker over 6 years earlier. I was using the ovulation predictor kit to pin point ovulation but it seemed like it was taking forever to happen. Tanner and I both felt a strong desire to just leave Utah and forget about doing IUI but before we made the decision to leave we visited Dr. Andrew's office. I gave myself a scan and determined the number of mature follicles (2 on one side and 1 on the other) and Dr. Andrew decided to just go ahead a give me an HCG trigger shot and we made a plan to do IUI the next morning. Wow! Ok! Talk about following the promptings of the spirit! We both felt really good about this plan and as always, I took it with a grain of salt. I felt happy in that moment and feeling those fleeting positive emotions was something I learned to cling to.

The next morning we dropped Parker off at his old school and went in for the procedure  As we sat waiting we could hear Ace of Base "All That She Wants is Another Baby" on the radio. Ironic? 

The procedure was easy, as always, and after all was said and done we hopped in the car and drove back to California to finish up our long and luxurious vacation. 

4 days before we flew back to the East I took a pregnancy test.

It was positive. Don't you worry, I took 4 more- one every 2 days to make sure the line was getting darker. And it did!

2 weeks after that Tanner was studying OB and we slyly suggested to his professor that we get an ultrasound machine into the classroom and I'd scan one of the student's wives (who was pregnant at the time) and give the students a little lesson on fetal imaging. Annnnnd, I scanned myself. I was so relived when I saw a gestational sac! But wait a second, is that 2???

By this point the cat was out of the bag. His professor walked in on me and was immediately suspicious of what the heck I was doing. So, we filled him in on the news. Then I forced Tanner to give me a T-Vag ultrasound to determine if there was one or 2 babies in there! There is one. But we were thrilled none the less!

I wanted to wait until I was 10 weeks along to make an appointment with an OBGYN. The first time I'd miscarried had been at 9 weeks and I wanted to make sure I was beyond that point before I wasted my time at the doctor. I had been feeling very sick and suffering from all the classic pregnancy symptoms so I took that as a good sign. Still, I was skeptical. Guarded. But the moment the ultrasound began and I saw how wiggly this baby was and could hear that good, strong heart beat I began to cry! Our tiny miracle!

2 weeks later I had another appointment for a nuchal translucency scan. I couldn't believe how much the baby had changed and grown! I mean, I could but she just looked so beautiful  We could see that this baby was a precious little girl. A daughter! I love her too much already.

At 14 weeks I had another appointment and another scan. It was confirmed that this is indeed a baby girl! Tanner talked to the doctor a couple days earlier on our anniversary trying to see if I could sneak in there and scan myself, which would have been the best gift ever (it's torture not being able to scan myself after scanning every woman under the sun for so many years...) But another appointment was the next best thing. 

It's a GIRL!

I bet you're wondering how Parker is feeling about all of this??? Well, as you can imagine he's been very aware of this trial and has been the most perfect angel through out this entire infertility struggle.  He's been sensitive and sweet, loving and affectionate. He's been my little buddy and best friend. The day we went in to determine the gender of the baby, before we dropped him off at school, we asked him what he thought the baby was. He told us "girl"! Later that day when Tanner picked him up he came running out of school yelling, "What is it? What is it?" I think he's as excited as we are. When we had our appointment at 14 weeks we pulled him out of school early and brought him along so he could see the baby. The day before he told his teacher that he would need to leave school early and asked if he could let the class know. So, he got up in front of his class and said, "Tomorrow I'm leaving school early to see my baby!" and the whole class clapped and cheered! One girl cried because she didn't want Parker to leave early. :-) He loved seeing the baby and when we confirmed it was a girl he said, "Yes! That's what I wanted!" He's such a sweet, precious boy! It's hard to wrap my head around us not being the 3 musketeers anymore. Well, honestly, I believe we'll always be the 3 musketeers. The 3 of us have been through so much together. We really do have a unique bond and Parker was certainly sent to us a gift from God at the right time. Just like this baby girl!

I've been able to relax and gestate here in peaceful Pennsylvania but the Lord knew that what would make me the MOST happy wouldn't have been to HAVE a baby so far away from family and friends. His timing is profound and I'm so glad I will (most likely) be home in Laguna Hills for the birth of my daughter. 

Faith, hope, and charity are not just values Heavenly Father wants us to develop. They are divine gifts with the sole purpose of making us happy. With faith I never needed to fear the unknown or ask the question "why". With a heart full of hope I didn't need to cry endless wracking sobs or feel like I was lost in a dark place, trapped with no way out. I've felt so very low but have also experienced the most tender of mercies.  I've struggled immensely with cultivating charity. The most glaring hardship for me these last few years was denying myself the joy of sharing in other's innocent babies. I have guarded myself which only led to coveting, anger, and bitterness. I've found myself reaching so hard to find fault in something that, by nature, has none. No one has the firm ability to time when their children come to Earth. Of that I have a solid belief. So why punish myself and others for gladly receiving that priceless gift from Heaven? Charity is something that I continue to struggle with but I recognize it as a weakness of mine and I know that if I humble myself, have faith, and work and pray for my weaknesses to be strengths, Heavenly Father will bless me. (Ether 12:27)

I could not end this post without expressing my reverence and gratitude toward Eve. I have a glimmer of the emotions she must have felt to drive her to partake of the fruit of the Tree of Good and Evil. Adam was not innately blessed with the overwhelming desire to bare and nurture children. So it had to be Eve. I'm sure she withstood as long as she could before mustering the courage to deprive herself of the Garden of Eden and be cast away to a world full of thorns, trials, and adversities.  She was so brave. She did ALL she could to fulfill her righteous desire to have a family. Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth and Eve was the one to recognize that it wasn't going to be possible to fulfill that order while remaining in the Garden. Just because Heavenly Father commands us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I may not even happen in this life. We are commanded to do so many hard things. But if we never know the bitter we can never appreciate the sweet. And this, this tiny miracle wiggling in my belly, it the sweetest thing.




*And, I just want to add another little shimmer to this story: On New Years Eve at dusk, Tanner and I were in the car driving; reflecting on the past year and making plans for the future when all of a sudden we saw the brightest shooting star soar across the sky directly in front of us. I turned to him and said, "That's our baby. She's coming to Earth to be with us. I know it!"
 She truly is our tiny RAY of light.