Discipline and Special Times

I've recently started disciplining Jack. Not because I want to, but because I have to. He has been such an easy kid- so happy and obedient and loving. But he's almost 2 and "the terrible 2's" have shown up here and there. I tried to take him to the grocery store the other day and he just screamed the entire time. I tried to distract him, ignore him, and play with him (but didn't give in to bribing him) and eventually tried to put him in time out at the pharmacy. Well, he's never had a time out so that didn't go over too well. He just cried harder. The reason for his crying in the first place was unfounded- just 2 year old angst, I guess. But I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave my basket full of much needed groceries (we all know how much I had shopping for food) and run out of the store. But I told myself, "I don't care that he's crying. I care that other people can hear my kid crying. And I don't want to care about them, so I won't!" I finished my shopping and he was pretty good at check out. Once we were out of the store he was fine. But man, it hit me like a ton of bricks- Jack is going to need discipline now and I am not looking forward to it.

On March 1st I had my 16 week OB appointment. My mom just had eye surgery so she couldn't watch the kids for me but luckily Jon said he would help out! He took them to Brody's little "Mommy and Me" class at the local school and they had a blast. I'm so thankful he could help out! My appointment was great and I was able to hear the baby's heart beat. I have been less in touch with this pregnancy without a way to scan myself and without a decent Doppler. So each appointment I'm prepared for them to tell me that she didn't make it. I know that sounds dumb but it happens and it's happened to me too many times not to consider it. But she sounds great! And I'm doing great too. AND I DON'T have HEB B. Phew. I did have to have some more blood drawn though and that always takes forever. Here are a few pictures that Jon sent me...

After my appointment I met my mom at the park. She said Parker was welcome to stay with her (since he was too old to attend the Mommy and Me class) and he was a big help to her with cleaning and such. She took him to Target for some Pokemon cards and I picked us up some Wendy's and we had a little picnic! It was fun!

The weather's been so nice and we have enjoyed some fun park days with friends. I met Courtney and Jill at a new park with a zip line that evening and the kids had a blast. I always love getting together with my friends too!

Suns out Buns out!

Rayleigh is so silly and she loves to dress up!

Jack wanted in on the action too. He loves to try on hats and sunglasses.

Parker went back to school but we have been loving the warm afternoons. When he gets home, we all sit in the back yard on a blanket and just relax in the sunshine until it's time for dinner. I love being outside.

Saturday was Jessi and Kim's baptisms! Their Daddy's baptized and confirmed them and it was such a special day. Rayleigh was great and so reverent the whole 2 hours. I loved watching her as she watched each girl get baptized. I could tell she felt the spirit and was touched by what she saw. Jack on the other hand had to experience his first major time out.

During the confirmations, Tanner was standing in the circle so I had to wrangle both kids and keep them quiet. Rayleigh was great but Jack was so tired and hungry and OVER being quiet at church. So I took him into the hallway where he just screamed and cried. So I took him into the bathroom, set him on the counter and told him, "Jack, you are on timeout for crying and screaming. It's too noisy and I want you to stop." I took a few steps back and just stood there until he was done. It took a very long time. Like 5 minutes. Which is long when you are watching your kid cry. When he finally quieted down I said, "Jack, you are on timeout for screaming and crying. I want you to be a good boy and be quiet. Are you all done being noisy?" and he said, "Ok." So I said, "Good! I'm so glad! I love you Jack! Please say sorry to Mommy and give me a hug." And he said sorry and gave me a hug! Success!!!!!!!!! Now, whenever he's acting like that (typical terrible 2 stuff) I say, "If you don't stop you're going on timeout" and he quickly stops what he's doing! He learned!!!!!!!!!! It was soooo hard and I felt so bad. Disciplining is soooooooooooooooo hard. But it was worth it!

After the bapstisms we had a little reception at Jon's house. I was starving and pretty hangry after the whole ordeal. Laura was upset that Rayleigh was playing with her balloon displays. I was hurt and offended and just wanted to leave but I stuck it out and tried to brush it all off. Being a parent is hard. You think your kids are the best in the whole world but when other people treat them differently it takes a lot of strength to let it go. Later, Brody punched Jack and Laura and I both saw it so I felt like karma won. But that's just Mama Bear talking.... (the punch didn't phase Jack at all- and it wasn't deserved so Brody got into trouble) Parker had fun playing Pokemon with the big boys.

The girls were soooo sweet though and it really was a special day.

The babies were both completely zonked before we even hit the freeway.

The next day was Cami's 46th birthday and Jon had a beach house at Crystal Cove so we all went there to celebrate! My mom brought all the food- fried chicken and strawberry shortcake. The kids were confused when I made them go inside before playing at the beach (they both screamed and cried in rebellion) but I was once again starving and hangry after being at church for 3 hours and then driving straight to Newport with nothing to eat. But I was tired of every one shooting me looks out of the corners of their eyes so I just took the babies out to play. They could not have been happier and I love that they were in their "happy place" but I wished Tanner would have joined me instead of eating and hanging out with everyone inside. Sometimes guys are so dumb. I was finally able to eat a little later and after that, I felt much better. But then Tanner flew his drone "for just 5 minutes" which turned into an hour and I was stuck again chasing 2 kids in different directions at the beach. Let's just say the weekend wasn't easy on me. I know I shouldn't complain but Rayleigh has been having a hard time in primary too so I have to sit in there with her and make sure she is sitting quietly. It's fine but I know people are judging her and wondering why she can't just sit there like the other kids. People say hurtful things and church just hasn't been super uplifting lately. It's trying on a  mother- all of this teaching and nurturing and discipline and all the while you're wondering if you're doing it all wrong. 

At least I got some cute pictures of them playing in the sunset.

By Monday I was at my breaking point. The weekend was too much for me with all the negative feelings I was having and with all the hard disciplning. I was exausted and hormonal. The kids wouldn't let up for a second to even let me eat or take a shower. I had to shower with both of them in there with me. I know it's hard to belive that I couldn't eat anything but let me assure you, it was one of those days. Finally, at lunch time, I strapped them in their high chairs and turned on a show for them so I could run upstairs for a 10 minute devotional. Not 5 minutes into my scripture study I heard Ray yelling that she was DONE!!!! But when I got down there, I saw that she'd thrown all of her food all over the floor and I just snapped. I scream and I had to run upstairs and yell into my pillow and cry. I think I even punch my hand. Like, I totally freaked out. I went back down stairs and yelled and yelled at the kids to "PICK UP YOUR FOOD!!!!!! PICK IT UP!!!!!" I was seriously losing my voice (and my mind). Satan won that round. We got everything cleaned up. I put Jack down for a nap, and left Rayleigh with a show to watch and went back to my room to cry. I was texting Tanner all of my frustrations: how I felt like I can't do it all. Like everyone wants and needs more from me and I have nothing else to give. I'm drained. And I feel like a failure in so many ways. 

I was just  feeling so defeated. He called me and tried to calm me down but he is a normal, natural man and just wanted to fix it and also was defensive and didn't want any "blame" placed on him. Silly boys, they don't know that when a girl is acting like that you just say, "Oh no! I'm so sorry! You're so perfect and beautiful and amazing!!" blah blah blah.... But we got through it and he was a great support to me. But man, that was a doozy and I vowed never to let that happen again. 

Later, Rayleigh was drawing and working on her homework. She was singing "Happy Birthday" and when I turned around I saw that she stuck the markers in the bacon grease that Tanner failed to clean up the day before... (Birthday candles in a bacon grease cake)

We sat outside in the afternoon and I tried to calm myself down. Jack is so loving and constantly wants to be hugged and held. It's the most heart warming thing. How could I ever yell at such a pure and innocent little child?

He backed into our little fire place and it toppled over and broke. Just one more broken thing to add to the list....

Then later, as I was making dinner, Rayleigh got back up on the counter and proceeded to PLAY with the bacon grease. It was everywhere. Her, the counter, the floor. I was numb, I just couldn't feel anything anymore. I was in like a white stage of rage. And notice how she's in a diaper. One more thing for me to feel stupid about. She has accidents every day and I'm tired of cleaning it all up. So while all her friends are running around with cute little undies, she's back in diapers and I once again feel like a failure.

I'm kinda tired of people telling me, "Oh I miss those days! They were so simple and fun!" I want to say, "I think you've just forgotten." I know I'd forget most of this stuff if I didn't write it all down, And I document so that I can look back and remember the good times and see how much I've grown- and to see how much my kids have grown! I want to love each and every stage of life! I LOVE my kids with ALL my heart but toddlers are HARD! They are like puppies, so eager and friendly and FULL of unconditional love. But they also pee everywhere and destroy everything and they are loud and don't let you sleep in. Don't worry, the week got MUCH better. Tanner and I make a great team and I have an incredible village. Not to mention the BEST mom in the entire universe who puts everything into perspective and always makes me feel like I'm the greatest thing on earth. Grateful for night time to rest and relax and for new days with fresh starts.