Good Days and Bad Days

Tanner and I have both been running ourselves ragged so we scheduled some quality time to spend at home and it’s been so nice! 
On Saturday, I did a little shopping and then attended a baby shower at Jill’s for my new friend Mallory who is expecting twin boys! I’ve been scanning her about once a week for most of her pregnancy and it’s been so fun to see the babies grow! Jill did a fantastic job with the decorations and the food was so yummy! It was a really fun party and I loved being together with so many wonderful mothers. I really felt the spirit as we sat around and gave Mallory some words of wisdom regarding motherhood. How lucky we are to be sisters in Zion!
That night, Tanner and I got the kids to bed and were able to just rest and relax together. He was in a super good mood and seemed to have such a fun day with the kids. Yay!

On Sunday, my first day out of the nursery, I was asked to sub Rayleigh’s class. It was kinda strange- the girls were mean to each other! It shocked me and made me wonder how each girl really feels about the other and if they will grow to love and cherish each other as sisters in Zion the way I do their mothers, or if they will continue to be catty and dismissive. It hurt my mama heart. But I have hope that through the gospel and the spirit of Christ, they will learn and grow in their love for each other. That night we watched Toy Story 4 together and though the kids had watched it a few times, it was the first time I’d sat down and seen it start to finish. Oh. My. Gosh. I bawled. Watching the main character, Bonnie, play with her toys and use her cute little imagination reminded me SO much of Rayleigh and, especially, Jack. I will most definitely be watching this movie for decades and I don’t ever want to forget that the first time I watched it, my own children were in the exact same stage of life as this character. My kids will grow and change but this movie will stay the same. I don’t know, it just touched my heart in a major way. 
On Monday, both Tanner and Parker went to the Segerstrom with all of OCMCO and the Arizona MCO to record a few songs for their upcoming Christmas album. They both felt so honored and lucky to participate. It took ALL day and they had a blast. I held down the fort at home and it was quite the peaceful day with Parker gone. Ha When I picked him up, they were running behind so I had to be creative and kill time while we waited for him. The kids ran around the performing arts centers and were super cute. Parker loved participating with MCO and I think he’s ready to take the next step and go back to school. 

The next day was one I won’t soon forget. 

My friend Lauren is moving back to Georgia and wanted to take her kids to Disneyland for the first and last time. I told her Parker would be happy to join her and help her with the kids so she picked him up in the morning and brought him along. He was thrilled. She called me around 11:30am and asked if it was ok for her to leave Parker at Disneyland while she ran her kids home and picked up Courtney (she wanted to ditch her kids and have some grown up time- which I totally understand) I said, “Sure! That’s fine! Just give him your phone number and make sure you have a time and place to meet back up with him.” About 5 hours later I texted Lauren and Courtney and asked them to let me know when they'd touched bases with Parker, since I hadn’t heard anything. Their response was, “Ok.” Which I wasn't expecting because I assumed they had seen him recently. Well, they hadn’t and an hour later Courtney texted me and told me to have Parker call them if he calls me because it was getting dark and there was no way they were going to be able to find him. This is when I learned that Lauren just sent Parker off on his own with absolutely NO plan of when/where she would meet up with him again and no directions for him to call at a certain time. I immediately called Disneyland and was put on a hundred holds- they told me to “call my friends and have them contact security.” I called Tanner and he jumped in his car and raced down to Disneyland. He was furious. I wasn’t getting anywhere with Lauren and Courtney and while I was hysterical and bawling, they were acting very casual and calm. It was awful but I tried not to hold space for anger. I called my mom and she stayed on the phone with me and got me the number of the parents of the girl Parker was trying to find - a girl named Lily who he knows from MCO... I’m pretty sure he has a crush on her. Tanner called Lily’s Mom, Rachel, and she dropped what she was doing to meet Tanner at KFC and drop him off at the front of the park. She called her brother and sister in law who were there with their kids and her daughter, Lily. But they hadn’t seen Parker either. 
Finally, at around 7:45pm, Parker called Lauren and asked her what time she wanted to meet up to go home and she informed him that we were very worried about him and that his Dad was racing there to pick him up. He was scared he was in trouble and had no idea what was going on. Courtney found him (eating pizza with some new friends he found from Arizona who were wearing MCO shirts and were very nice!) and brought him to the gate where Tanner grabbed him. Tanner was super angry with Lauren and Courtney and didn’t say one word to them. He had to go talk to security (who were also running around looking for Parker) and even CPS! Sheesh! What a fiasco! 
But Parker was fine and having the time of his life at Disneyland! He was smart and brave and made friends and was obedient and did all the right things with the information he had and the directions (or lack thereof) he was given. Lauren apologized and I know she feels badly. I haven’t heard from Courtney.  But somehow Jill and the Bishop found out and sweet Jill has reached out to me several time and even offered to bring me cookies. 
The miracle in all of this is this:

 I texted this to my Relief Society President who I was supposed to have a meeting with that night. I told her I had to cancel because Parker was lost and she was so compassionate and sent up countless prayers for us. I feel like, with the help of those prayers, with my faith and knowledge, I was able to act and react in the right way. I feel like I really did do the right thing. I feel blessed and I am so happy Parker is ok. 
The second miracle is that I was able to have a really good heart to heart talk with Parker when he got home. I was able to hug him and look him in the eyes and tell him that I love him. Really love him. I told him that he might feel overshadowed by his younger siblings, taken advantage of sometimes, or that life is unfair. He might feel like no one cares what choices he makes because they are HIS choices. But I was able to let him know that he DOES matter SO much to me- more than he knows. And that his choices DO matter and that what he does DOES affect me- both the good and the bad. That I am proud of him and that whenever he’s away from me, he needs to check in regularly. It was the most amazing, wonderful ending to the most traumatic, horrific few hours. 

And, I’m glad Lauren is moving far away. 

But Heavenly Father has designed a host of ways to try and test us. Did He want me to get angry and blame everyone, including myself, during this situation? No. When I prayed to lose weight knowing that was such a trivial thing to pray for, Heavenly Father has been testing me by that number on the scale INCREASING instead of decreasing. He doesn’t care what I look like or if I have a few extra pounds of fat on my body. He cares if I’m healthy, make good choices, don’t give up, and love myself despite my frailties. Does He want me to get angry and take my frustrations out on my kids or husband? No. He wants me to work harder, set bigger goals, and check in with Him. He is using my stupid little problem of wanting to lose weight to teach me patience, self love, and determination. And it’s hard. But I’m learning. 

And speaking of working hard on goals: yesterday, Tanner and I met with a financial planner for the very first time and it was awesome. We are pumped about our financial future! We are also in the middle of refinancing our house. 

And last night I had Book Club. We read “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller and had the most thought provoking discussion. A few notes I made were:

Don’t be afraid to embrace the whimsy.

Our stories are being stolen by the easy life.

When we look back on our lives, we will remember the crazy things we did- the times we worked harder to make a day stand out. 

And that is what I want to do, how I want to live my life- with intention. Without fear. And with adventure!!!

So, to end the week, I had yet another horrible day with Parker. On Friday, he went to the temple to do baptisms and when he came home, we began work on organizing his room. It had gotten way out of control and was constantly messy. Since Jack and Ella were home, they got involved and were touching Parker's things which made him very, very angry. So angry that we got in a huge fight and ended up getting physical. I called Tanner bawling and he, once again, raced home to my rescue. He wanted to kill Parker but he settled on a big long lecture followed by taking him to work with him. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up his room which was a huge and exhausting job. Tanner brought me dinner that night and I crashed.

I'm still trying to process what happened. Never has Parker laid a finger on me. He is getting so big and strong and testing his boundaries in ways I can't anticipate. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or if I'm doing enough "right". It's scary and overwhelming and it's definitely testing my faith. But coming full circle is always the goal and Parker is still young enough to forgive quickly and move on. 

What I want from him is less entitlement, more gratitude, more inclusion with his siblings, and more initiative on getting his work done, keeping his room clean, and being productive. I want him to recognize when he is losing his patience and step away so he doesn't hurt those around him. Honestly, these are things we can ALL work on and be better. So, I will try too. And I will pray about ways to support Parker and give him the tools to succeed and work hard to provide him with the guidance he deserves.

Being a Mother is hard. I went from excruciating worry, like my heart was beating outside my chest, clipped to Parker's sleeve, when I didn't know where he was a few days ago- to shock and fury at the way he treated his little siblings and me.  The value he placed on his possessions and the lack of respect he displayed for his blessed life. From the highest highs to the lowest lows. Lord, give me strength. 

Tanner was laughing and thought Jack and Rayleigh were being so funny. He asked me to snap a picture but I don't remember why they were being so cute. So just zoom in on Tanner's face- that smile! He sure loves his kids!

"sELLAfie"

Tanner ran into Gavin McPhee at his MCO recording.

Tanner loves MCO most of all.

This girl has a knack for fashion! I love how she changes her outfits and skates around the house!

She wanted to wear her jammies like this so she could block out the light while they slept outside.

Rayleigh and Jack built a pretty epic tent!!! They had closets for their clothes and I served them dinner out there. This was the day we "lost" Parker.

This was the text I sent the RS president after Parker was found safe and sound.

Ella went on the potty for the first time!

I should have taken some "before" pictures of Parker's disgusting room but at least I got some "Afters"! Sweet Ella took a Sharpie to his room a few months ago...