Satan Hates Me

 I don’t know why, but ever since we got back in to school, it’s been pretty hard for me. The kids are doing really well, for the most part. But man, my heart has taken a beating.

We’ve had some crazy fires this week along side record breaking heat. So, the kids have had to stay indoors all day. That makes everything a little harder and more stressful. Ella’s cheer was canceled. But, luckily Tuesday evening, the air quality was decent enough that Jack could go to soccer. So, home life is ok. But work for me is another story. 

I stayed on Tuesday so I could have a little chat with a kid in Rayleigh’s class who’s been giving her a hard time. I told him to think win win- which is habit 4, and that I don’t want to hear about any more unkindness. I told him I knew he could do it and that I believed in him. Ray’s teacher came up to me and was a little concerned about what I said. But it’s done and I hope things get better for Ray. And for everyone!

Well, the next day I got sent to the principal’s office, again. It was awful. Like, truly one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m still reeling from it. He threw all these accusations at me and then didn’t give me a chance to talk because he had another meeting. I was gutted, hurt, and angry. It’s been so many days and I’m still upset and can’t sleep too well. My plan is to talk to him tomorrow to clear the air and my stomach is in knots.

He said Jillian’s mom wrote him an email saying that I’m getting involved in Ray's social life on campus and putting notes into kids backpacks… I couldn’t even defend myself to that. Then, as I was walking out, he said Mrs. Kliss is concerned about my relationship with Nicholas and said I took 15 minute long bathroom breaks and wasn’t engaged with him. Again, I had to just walk away as he took a call. I was shocked and soooo upset. LIES!!!!! All lies!!!!!

I went home incredibly hurt and prayed and prayed. I had to host bunco that night for Relief Society and it was a good thing I did because I wouldn’t have gone otherwise and it really helped me get out of my funk. Never a dull moment!

This is how I know I’m where I’m supposed to be and that God hears my prayers. The next day, we had not 1 but 2 behavioral aides helping us with Nicholas. It was truly a miracle. It made all the difference and I’m so grateful. Things aren’t all the way better yet and I don’t know if they ever will be. But I’m glad they came to help. I still need to talk to the principal though. I’m anxious about that.

 I had a massage after school and then the kids had their first Christmas MCO rehearsal! Boy, are we grateful for MCO. It was JUST what we all needed. The music lifts the soul and there’s nothing like being together to sing. They want me to do my "cone" job again and it felt nice to be needed and appreciated.

Friday was an ok day for me. The kids were happy but I was still feeling really emotional. We had 1 behavioral aide which was amazing. Jack was coughing and wanted to leave school early but I encouraged him to stay. The nurse had never met Jack before and I said, “Well, get used to him because he’s in 4th grade now.” He wanted to go home because he was missing principal's recess from signing the book twice this week- once for talking and once for falling off his chair.  But he got an ice cream party so he stayed.

After school we had a much needed respite at Disney. Parker came too and was able to see Emerald at the end of the night as she drove home after filming something for YouTube. I’ll say it again, I’m so grateful for Disneyland. It’s happy. An escape from reality. It’s a place that always picks me up. It’s like therapy. I truly felt better by the end of a few hours. We got to ride in the nose cone of the monorail on our way back to the car which was so cool! It was the first day it had been opened in about 5 years.

Saturday I woke up too early due to anxiety and read my Come Follow Me lesson and loved this message about Samuel the Lamonite. That’s how I feel. I feel like I need to stand up for truth- MY truth. And I hate that I have to do that. I don’t want to talk to the principal. I’m scared. But I have to. And I want to stay as far away from Jillian’s mom as I possibly can. She is evil. She is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. All I want is to love everyone. And I want ALL the kids and ALL the teacher to be successful at school. For some reason, Satan is trying his hardest to drag me down. I'm sure Samuel was scared and didn't want to climb up that wall. But he did what the Lord asked him to do and he was not only protected, but he was blessed. AND, he was able to bless the lives of countless people!

I was too emotionally tired to do much on Saturday but I finished my book by President Nelson and I worked out. We took Jack to his soccer game and he scored so many goals, we couldn’t keep count. Then, we left the littles and took Parker to Laguna for a super date with Emerald. We met at the Montage to walk around and take pictures. Then we had a yummy dinner at Riptide Sushi. Then there was dessert and dancing at my parent’s house. My mom set up the most cozy and romantic backyard with candles everywhere. My dad laid out all the best jazz love songs and had them playing when we arrived. My mom baked brownies and had ice cream and pumpkin spice cake for us. It was all so lovely. Parker and Emerald headed straight outside to dance and have alone time. My mom was the most gracious host and it was so nice sitting and talking with Emerald’s parents. Parker was on cloud 9.

I felt a lot happier after this fun date and went to bed with a lighter heart. I slept much better that night.

Oh! And did I mention that Jill sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers to cheer me up? Her birthday was on September 13th and I wished her a happy birthday and she asked how I was doing and I said, "Badly!" She's in Hawaii with Erika so that is kind of awkward but it really made me feel good that she sent me flowers- it really DID cheer me up!

Today is Sunday again. I’ve got the Sunday Scaries and do NOT want to go to work tomorrow. I want to crawl into a hole or be deserted on a tropical island. I HATE feeling like this. But I’m glad it’s Sunday and so far I’ve felt very uplifted, supported, and inspired. There is NO doubt in my mind that the Lord has a work for me to do and it must be really dang important because Satan is working overtime on me. The scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon, is written for our time. They warn us about people who would do anything to tear down Christ’s disciples. It disgusts me that he’s using my kids to get to me. But he won’t succeed. When he doubles down on me, I double down on my Savior.

I feel like everyone is handed a unique set of trials and sometimes certain people get hit with the same category of challenges over and over. For example, death, sickness, or financial woes. For me, I feel like it’s been this constant need to forgive people for being cruel and unfair to me. I honestly believe I don’t deserve the vast majority of hurt I’ve been subjected to by other people. I don’t play dirty. I just want peace and happiness. But for some reason, I just keep getting attacked. Now, I’m not trying to play the victim. And maybe I’m not being self aware and I’ll look back and see my hand in all of this. But as of now, I have this pattern of caring too much and getting brutally hurt and by necessity, I have to forgive. And I’ll keep forgiving. Because my Heavenly Father has promised mercy and blessings to those who forgive.

So, today, on the way home for church I came upon April who was hysterical on the side of the road. A guy on a bike ran straight into the back side of her car, shattering the back window and denting her car. The guy laid bleeding on the ground when I showed up and April was in shock. I ran over to her and threw my arms around her tightly. I held her close and told her everything was gonna be ok. I tried to get her to breathe, calm down, and just kept saying everything will be ok. Her husband was there and asked that I take their kids home. So I got them in my car (my messy car) and as luck would have it, there was candy in there. So everyone got candy and we said a prayer for April and that poor man. We brought the kids to our house and the kids were so excited. They played and Tanner made us all chicken n rice. Another tender mercy was having fruit and cupcakes and a veggie tray left over from bunco a few nights before. We were prepared.

A couple hours later, Wes picked the kids up and I could tell he was still a little shaken up. April was still not ok but she was home resting. I’m grateful we were able to help and I know the Lord placed me in the right place at the right time to help.

ALL I want to do is serve my Heavenly Father. And I’m so sick of satan trying to stop me. Get thee hence!!!!!!!!!!!! I will double down on my missionary efforts, my service efforts, my forgiveness, and my love this week.

I’m still feeling very fragile. But I know with the spirit on my side and with the armor of God confidently placed, I will see miracles this week. I EXPECT to see miracles!

Rayleigh and her cute 3rd grade buddy, Nora

I love Sister Graves and the love she shows Rayleigh