Emergency Responders

Yesterday played out like a Lifetime Movie. It was literally the craziest day of my life. I started the day out just fine. I wanted to take the babies to Disneyland but neither of them is feeling too well. I put Jack down for a nap and got Rayleigh in the tub for an activity/help with her cough. I sat on my bed and tried to pray, read my scriptures, write in my journal- get back to my routine devotional. It's been way too long since I've taken the time and effort to study and pray and I've felt the effects of that very deeply. So I've been desiring to get back in touch with my spirituality. But since I was in Rayleigh's line of site, she continually kept climbing out of the tub and running over to me. She'd also thrown out all of the toys (which are still covering the bathroom floor). So I told her to please pick up her toys and went into the playroom to keep her from getting distracted and to give myself another 5 minutes of peace. I like to joke that my kids are obsessed with me because they find me wherever I am and want to be with me (not even WITH me but ON me) every second of every day. I love it but sometimes mama needs a little break. I could hear Jack in his room still trying to settle down and fall asleep and I could hear Rayleigh playing around and clearly not picking up the bath toys.

I sat up in the playroom just wasting time on my phone and after about 10 minutes I realized it was too quiet. I walked into the bathroom but she wasn't in there. I walked downstairs and she wasn't there. I checked to see if she'd grabbed her phoney to go lay down on the green bed but her phone was plugged in and she wasn't on the green bed. The sliding glass door was open about 6 inches and the hot tub was open (she'd be in there before she hopped into the bathtub) and I feared she was in there... at the bottom. But she wasn't. So I began to panic and called tanner. He was at lunch with some colleagues but could hear the stress in my voice and left the table and ran to the car. He told me to yell her name so I ran around the back yard, the garage, and side of the house, the front yard yelling her name and she was still no where to be found. I hung up with tanner and called 911.

 I told the dispatcher my 3 year old daughter was missing and gave her my information. I told her she is blond with little pig tails, butt naked, and a little tall for her age. She kept me on the line as the police were on there way and I was still running around looking everywhere for her. Under beds, in closets. Everywhere. By this time my thoughts turned to deep dark places. Kidnapping... What if I never saw her again? Why was I sitting on my phone instead of watching her??? Pain in my heart that is excruciating began to take over.  I was hyperventilating and having a complete panic attack. I ran around the muddy backyard in my socks and all of a sudden felt a huge gush fill my pants. I looked down and saw bright red blood. I said, "oh my gosh! I'm bleeding!" The dispatched said, "what!? Mam, did you hurt yourself? Do you have a gun??!" And I replied that no, I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding. How could this all be happening? Right now!!!? I'm having a miscarriage as I'm desperately searching for my missing child! The dispatcher said she was sending the paramedics. And at this point I couldn't refuse. I was in full blown hysteria. 

I paced outside looking for her as 3 cop cars pulled up. I was bawling uncontrollably. The female cop raced over to me and tried to calm me down. She asked permission to search the house. I could see the halo over her head and I was so entirely grateful she was there to help me along with 2 other police officers who were canvassing the neighborhood. We walked into the house and into the living room and there, with no clothes, tired eyes, and messy hair was Rayleigh. She had been completely covered under a blanket asleep. Right in the middle of the floor. It had looked like a normal blanket that had been left there so it didn't even occur to me to look under it! And since when does Rayleigh just randomly lay down and fall asleep. Well, of course this was due to the fact that she had a low grade fever and wasn't feeling well. I fell to my knees and hugged her so tight. The cop radioed the other officers and they all came in smiling. It was a great moment. But my pants were full of blood. 

The female officer stayed with me and as the other 2 left out the front door 2 sisters from the ward were standing there. MY emergency responders. After I'd hung up with tanner he called the bishop and the Calvary call was made. Cindy Chubbuck offered to help get Parker from school (by now it was time to pick him up) but I'd JUST had a talk with him about not getting in the car with anyone even if they say they are helping me. So she said she would just wait with him until tanner could pick him up. Angel.

Kim louddon, 9 months pregnant with her 8th baby, 4 kids in tow was armed and ready to help. I didn't know quite what to do or say. But at that moment the fire truck arrived to my house and the firefighters were coming inside. So I asked her to stay and watch Rayleigh. They went in the back yard. Somehow Rayleigh got clothes put on her. I sat down on my white couch as 3 firefighters took my vitals and asked me questions. My pulse was racing and my blood pressure was higher than normal. I was calm enough to let them know that I am a medical professional myself and I didn't think a ride to the hospital in an ambulance was quite necessary. They were skeptical and wanted to know my exact plan. Now I could hear the sirens of the ambulance as it pulled up and I was truly mortified. It seemed like the worst was over and I'd called in the Calvary for no reason. That doesn't minimize the fact that I am so beyond thankful for their help and service to me and my family. I saw halos over each of their heads. But I had to sign a release of liability because I was not taking their expert advice and riding off in an ambulance. But, I had one child playing in the backyard, one asleep in his crib, and one who was not home from school yet and I was hoping tanner would be here soon. How was I going to just be wheeled away on a stretcher???

At this point we wrapped things up with the emergency personnel, I hugged the cop, and everyone drove away as Tanner was pulling up. To Parker, it's like nothing had even happened and he was excited to tell me about his day and play Mancala with me! I went to the bathroom for the first time and was finally able to asses the situation. My pants were full of blood and as soon as I sat down I gushed bright red blood again. I cleaned myself up and got new pants on and went downstairs. Kim gave me a giant long hug and left with her kids. Jack had been woken up so he climbed in my arms as I laid on the white couch and waited for my mom to arrive. He sat there and cried as he laid on me and I cried too. I just couldn't stop. 

The thoughts that made me cry the hardest are when I remembered seeing those faithful sisters at my door, arms outstretched and strong, ready to do whatever it took to help me. They were there before the fire fighters. Before the paramedics. The real, true emergency responders. My heart was over flowing. My gratitude poured out to my Heavenly Father continually. I could not stop praying. His hand was in the midst of this entire, crazy ordeal.

My mom pulled up and we all sat down to formulate a plan. Tanner was dealing with some real, huge responsibilities at work and was having a hard time being away from his office. But I knew I had to see a doctor or at least get an ultrasound and find out what was going on. I went to the bathroom again and again had a huge gush of blood. At this point I was certain I was losing this baby and trying to assure myself that it would all be ok, no matter what. We spent the next hour calling, being on hold, and waiting for calls back from my doctor regarding a visit, but the earliest they could get me in was the next day a 1. ...And they made sure to tell me to get there early to fill out paperwork. It was so surreal. I am bleeding. I am losing my baby. I just want to know what's going on. "We'll see you tomorrow at 12:30." My ultrasound place was booked so the best we could do was just wait. Tanner went back to work and my mom stayed. I called Audrey to come over and help me with bedtime since my mom needed to get home before it got too late. I tried to lay down in bed. 

Rayleigh had fallen asleep again and I didn't want her sleeping too long and screwing up her bedtime. So we opened the door so she would wake up. Well, she did wake up and she was not happy about it. She climbed up onto my bed and laid on me and was crying and coughing. Then she started gagging and I realized she might throw up. So much for bed rest! I jumped up with her and ran to the bathroom where she did in fact throw up. By the way, all of this was happening while I was trying to debrief with a very concerned mother in law. I tried to clean Rayleigh up but she was too sick and tired to be overly cooperative. When I took her into her room for new clothes I noticed she'd peed in her bed so I had to change her bed sheet. There ain't no rest for the weary. This was all around 5:30 and tanner was no where near the possibility of leaving work. She wanted to lay down on the green bed so I left her there and shortly later she fell asleep again. This time for the whole night. Audrey was playing with Parker and Jack was just hanging out with me in my room. I tried to call and text everyone involved to let them know the status of our crazy situation. Around 7, Audrey got jack to bed and Tanner called to tell me that there was a doctor at the hospital who could see me and get me an ultrasound but I needed to drive to the ER myself (to save time). So I threw on my boots and off I went. Like a strong-as-bull pioneer woman. Sure I was bleeding and had had that most chaotic day. Why not drive myself to the hospital?

The ER was disgusting and cold and crowded. But luckily Tanner's friend was able to get me into a back room quickly. They drew blood, started an IV, took my medical history and even banded me for a blood transfusion. My pulse was 117 and my blood pressure 126/80. Super high for me. I changed into a hospital gown and waited for the ultrasound tech. This was the moment we were all waiting for. She was very professional and all business which I appreciated. She was thorough. Tanner stood right over her shoulder. I tried to bend my neck to see the screen. I was expecting to see the baby in my cervix or mal-formed, no heartbeat, or in duress. She scanned me trans abd and as she left the room to get my urine sample cup, I grabbed the probe and scanned myself quickly. I saw the heart beat and a perfect little head. My heart began to finally calm down. I went to the bathroom and for the first time, didn't have any gush. Miracle. She then gave me a trans vaginal scan and we were able to see our perfect little baby. It looks like it's a girl! Her hands were by her face, her spine was clean and clear, the amnion and yolk sac were clearly visible. The placement of the baby was ideal. The heart rate was strong and my sweet baby was wiggling around strongly. The tech smiled and took pictures for us. We were all so relived. The baby is ok.

I went back to the ER. My pulse was now 70. BP 120/65. The nurse said I was visibly looking better. My bHCG was 144,000 which is in the range of normal but still high which is why I'm still so sick all the time. We got checked out around 10:30 with orders to go on bed rest and I drove home. Tanner went back to his office. Audrey's dad picked her up and it took all my will power to just go lay down and not do the dishes or pick up my house.

What a day.

The next day Tanner got Parker and Rayleigh off to school and I laid low with Jack. After I picked Rayleigh up from pre school, Courtney came to get her and she went over to play for the afternoon. Jack went down for a nap as soon as she left so I had a solid 3 hours to really rest and relax before getting Parker from school. Courtney brought Rayleigh home around 4:00 and she went right down for a nap! All this excitement must have worn her out! Tanner got home around 6:30 (like usual) Really, it's frustrating that he can't (or won't) make any extraordinary efforts to be home a little early or help out. I feel like I have to beg and be naggy to have any help and I HATE asking for it too. I'd rather just take care of my family/home on my own without the resentment. But I guess we all handle stress in our own ways and for Tanner, I think it's digging down deep into work. Plus, he really does have a lot to do. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I know I'm not being the best mom/wife. But I'm trying. I just need a little grace.

On Friday, I was still not bleeding and it was proving harder and harder to stay low and rest. But Jill came to my rescue and took all 3 kids for a couple hours in the afternoon and Kathy Brown brought dinner. I had to get the kids all to bed by myself because Tanner didn't get home until about 7:30. Saturday was great because I had Tanner's help all day. Although I could tell he was frustrated with the way we spent the day (not really fun for him). But he took care of the kids in the morning so I could rest and we took the kids to a little indoor play place in the afternoon so they could play while we just sat there. As long as the kids are happy!

Today is Sunday and I'm home, again. I miss going to church. I miss feeling healthy and strong. I miss warm sunshine and friends and play dates. I miss dates with my husband too! And Disneyland and focusing on others and not myself. It's draining to be so self involved. To feel sick and tired and to need help. But the outpouring of love and concern, service to me and my family has been incredible. This whole experience has been incredible. I am so eternally thankful for a healthy baby, for my health, and my family's health. I'm grateful to be part of the world's greatest women's organization. I'm grateful for the sisters, true sisters, who have reached out and lifted me up. I'm thankful for the power of prayer and for the gospel of Jesus Christ. For the atonement and the promise that tomorrow I can be better. That I don't ever have to feel defeated in my weaknesses. My hope is burning bright for a more beautiful future.