Hard Week

 This week has been really hard. While Tanner was in Idaho for his Uncle's funeral, Jill was in town. She was nice and invited me to dinner with everyone but I declined the offer since it was a group date and Tanner was gone. I am also feeling extremely awkward around all of those old friends, even now, and it hurt me to know that Jill doesn't recognize that. I was feeling so badly and so anxious that I didn't even attend church on Sunday. I wish I didn't care. And I wish we could move... but anyway. Sunday was fine and relaxing. Monday, the kids didn't have school so we cleaned and hung out at home. Tanner came home that night and he was VERY uptight. We finally sat down and talked for the first time in almost 2 weeks and I felt like we had a lot to catch up on but he was so irrational and emotional- It was hard to communicate effectively. 

Tuesday was the 100th day of school and it was a fun day! We celebrated in kinder with lots of little activities but then poor Rayleigh was on the brink of tears after school when she showed me an assignment that she'd been given a 0. I hugged her and told her that bad grades just mean you're still learning and that I care more about her heart and her willingness to try her best than the actual grades she's given. Poor little thing. I had a massage that day which was nice and then we had bunco at the Relief Society President's house for our activity. I was a little nervous that all my old friends would be there and that it would be super awkward, but they didn't all come so it was fine. Oh, and I started my period.

Wednesday was terrible. The day went fine but after school Ray was troubled. She couldn't talk to me about it so she offered to write down her feelings. She took about an hour and wrote 2 whole pages explaining that her teacher had grabbed her arm and hurt her and made her cry. She was trying to see her classmates do a science experiment and her teacher yelled at her and said she "ruined it!" because she got in the way. Oh my mamma heart. I was heart broken, livid, and wanting to console her all at the same time. I immediately emailed the principal and set up a meeting with him. In the meantime, Ray decorated the most adorable cookie for me and I tried to keep our evening calm and content. Tanner was NO help, said I was "blaming him" (which was very confusing?????) and told me I was putting words into Ray's mouth. It made me feel extra badly and I felt very alone. 

The next day I was so anxious about talking to the principal and I couldn't talk about any of this with Colleen because she would feel like she's in the middle of it. Once again, I felt alone and sad and scared. But my talk with him went well. His first question to me was to ask if I wanted him to call the sheriff. Apparently, there are strict new guidelines requiring principals to report ANY physical abuse by a teacher to the sheriff right away. I, of course, didn't think things needed to go THAT far. But hey, I will if I need to! I explained to him what happened and he was very sympathetic. I told him that Ray is a problem solver and an "out of the box" thinker and he asked if she'd been tested for GATE. I left feeling hopeful and supported. That very afternoon, he called the speech teacher and asked her to talk to Ray, which she did! Ray was so happy and it meant soooo much to me that Christy was willing to drop everything that she was doing to help me, help Ray, and be a loving, supportive ear. 

That day at school pick up, I saw the principal talking to Colleen and I knew they were talking about me and the incident with Ray. Colleen hasn't said a word to me about it and she's acting super weird around me which once again makes me feel alone. But I get her desire to not be in the middle of any of this. We went to MCO that afternoon and I can't even explain what a blessing MCO is. We had the opportunity to leave our worldly cares behind, sing praises to Jesus, be unified, and uplifted. I am so grateful for MCO. I also had a moment to talk to Tanner on the phone and explain to him what's been happening with Ray and with myself. I let him know that his has been very heavy on my heart: being excluded from the family time up in Idaho, feeling awkward and anxious when Jill was in town (to the point of ditching church),  and then all of this heartache with Ray. Not only do I feel terrible that she was physically hurt and crying, but her teacher shames her constantly and avoids me as well. She wont even look at me in the halls at school and acts like she hates me. And I know she's not pleased with Ray. She's an awful, terrible person but we are stuck with her for another year when Jack is in her class and we need to get on the same page and work together to think win win. 

Friday was bizarre. Ray's teacher called off and they had to bring in a sub at the last minute. Ray ended up having a wonderful day (obviously) and I'm grateful for that. I saw Christy, the speech teacher, at the begining of the day and could not help but cry when I gave her a hug. I love her so much and I'm so thankful for her (and all of the people who love and support Ray). The principal said he talked to her teacher and she admitted to grabbing Ray's arm and knew I would say something about it. I requested a formal meeting with her and hope that we can get on the same page soon.

My heart is so heavy. I feel so down and distraught. I feel like I'm trying so hard to make everyone happy and do the right things and it's just... hard. I know I'm not perfect. I know my kids aren't perfect. And we all know my marriage isn't perfect. But I AM trying. And I'm tired. And I've cried enough these last few days and I'm hoping for some resolution. Frankly, I'm expecting miracles. I will keep on fighting and praying and working towards becoming more Christ like each day. And hopefully those miracles will start pouring in.